Warm your relationship in the Brrrrrrrrr of
winter!
Four-Session
Minneapolis Workshop Begins January 26, 2008
One Saturday
morning per month
Big Picture Partnering: Create
a rock-solid relationship
"You get most out of it when you read, do
the exercises and go to class. All the
pieces together enhance your relationship.
Big Pcirtue Partnering has taken our
relationship to a whole other level."
-Pam & Gunter
Workshop Participants
Invest in your future.
Reserve your place in a workshop that will take
your relationship to the next level -
giving you tools
you will use for a lifetime.
9 a.m. - noon
Four Saturday
mornings:
January 26,
2008
February
March
April
Reserve your place
with a $60 deposit by 1/14/08 by
calling
612.377.7923
Full fee $480
Remainder due by 1/18/08
For more
information and to register
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"Once a day, compliment a stranger."
Elizabeth Shaw
"Once a day,
compliment your partner!"
Dr. Jan
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Dear Jan,
Well, October came and went with no
newsletter out the door due to untimely
computer glitches and an unexpected fire
in the offices of my internet server. Go
figure. Flexibility and gratitude for
small favors (like being back up and
running) are required in this
complicated day and age!
Speaking of gratitude, here we are, well
into fall with Thanksgiving fast
approaching. It's my favorite holiday of
the year. No gifts required. Just a
focus on what's most important
-good food, hanging out with family and
friends, and opportunities for great
conversation.
Each time I write a newsletter, I think
of you. I hope you find a few
helpful reminders in this issue of
Thoughts on the Big Picture. Thank
you for the many opportunities I have
to learn from you and for your support
in building a community that values
partnering. I appreciate your referrals
for individual and couple therapy and
coaching. If you have a moment, send
this newsletter along to a few friends
by clicking the Forward email
link at the bottom.
I wish you a peaceful time of giving
thanks, filled with much
conversation, appreciation for one
another, many acts of kindness -and
a full tummy!
In gratitude,
Dr. Jan
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"Begin your day with a good word.
End it with a good deed."
-Mama Anne, Bukit Harapan
Remember those bumper stickers promoting
random acts of kindness among strangers?
Big Picture Partnering Essential
#2: Increase the Positive Between You
promotes random -and frequent
-acts of kindness showered on your loved
ones. Many positive interactions in a
household is a savings account that
keeps your partnership strong when
life is good -and protects it when life
is stressful.
Positive interactions may be a hug, a
pat on the back, making a nice dinner,
doing a favor, making love, offering a
compliment, willingness to resolve a
problem,
or taking out the garbage without being
asked. Positive interactions include any
behavior considered positive in the eyes
of you or your partner. Going to a B&B
for the weekend, gifts, or hearts and
flowers do count as positives, however,
the positives that really matter
are often the small acts of kindness,
thoughtfulness, and generosity that
relieve stress or save time -going out
of your way for an errand, coming home
early from the office, making that extra
phone call to just say "hello" or check
in, taking time for sex even if the
house needs cleaning, taking the kids
off her hands just because she's had a
long day, spending a little extra time
with him over coffee in the morning, and
so on.
According to John Gottmann, couple's
researcher from Seattle:
"The magic ratio is 5-to-1.
In other words, as long as there is five
times as much positive feeling and
interaction between husband and wife as
there is negative, we found the marriage was
likely to be stable. It was based on this
ratio that we were able to predict whether
couples were likely to divorce: In very
unhappy couples, there tended to be more
negative than positive interaction."
The season of Thanksgiving is a great
time to refresh the positives between
you. I hope the tips below will remind
you how easy this can be. Happy Holiday!
Dr. Jan
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This Month's Top Three Tips:
Give thanks and please your
partner
Giving thanks comes in many
forms. For couples who are busy
or shy about saying their
appreciations outloud, try a
note. A friend's partner started
the tradition of leaving her
love notes in unexpected places
-under the milk carton or packed
inside a lunchbag. It still
pleases and surprises her many
years later. A wife whose
husband travels frequently sends
along notes of appreciation for
a little heart connection when
he's away from home and missing
she and his boys. It may be
poetic, simple, straightforward,
or even humorous. Let the muse
in you speak -pick up a pen and
give thanks!
2. Thanks filled reflections
Holidays remind us to slow down
and reflect on what is
important. Take a minute
to reflect:
-
Make
a list of four things your
partner does that you appreciate.
Share your appreciations with
your partner.
-
Make a
list of
four things you currently do
to please your partner and
note how these benefit both
of you. Keep doing them!
-
Finally, write down two
or three things
your partner would like you
to do (because he has stated
so, or she has made the
request) that you know would
be appreciated if you did
the requested behavior, or
did it more often.
Since there is no demand,
ask yourself: Might I be
willing to consider these
requests to increase the
positives between us?
3. Thank goodness agreements
Come together and make a list of
"Household Agreements" that
everyone in the family abides
by. Such expectations will
automatically keep the positive
interactions high. If you have
children, once you have made
your adult list, invite them to
add their requests. That way
they know that the list of
expected behaviors applies to
everyone in the family
-including you!
Here are some
suggestions to get you started making your
list: Frequent "I love yous," kisses and
hugs hello and good-bye, good morning and
good night; "please" and "thank you"; never
going to bed angry; never discussing
difficult topics before 8 a.m. or after 8
p.m.; requesting attention instead of
demanding it; turning off the cell phone or
turning away from the computer or television
when your spouse or family member speaks to
you; asking if it is okay to interrupt a
task; and so on.
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Let Me Introduce Stepmom Expert:
Jacqueline B. Fletcher
With so many
second and third marriages couples often
overlook the complexity of adding step
parenting into the mix. Colleague,
Jaquelyn B. Fletcher, understands the
topic from multiple perspectives. She's
both a step-daughter and a step-mom with
her first child on the way. Her book
A Career Girl's Guide to
Becoming a Stepmom was
recently released to rave reviews. It's
focus is on career gals who marry a man
with kids - but it's a "must have" for
any step-parent. It's chock full of
humor, pathos, education, support and
many practical tips. Here is a sampling
from Jacque's monthly newsletter you'll
find at
www.becomingastepmom.com. Sign up
for her newsletter today and save $50 on
her new educational audio program
Becoming a Stepmom.
Top Five Phrases stepmoms need
at the tip of their tongues
1) I'm
sorry. Admitting
you're only human can make a
huge impact on your stepkids. Of
course, this is also an
extremely handy phrase to use
with your husband from time to
time.
2) I
don't know, but I'll find out.
If you've got a challenging
stepfamily dynamic happening in
your home that you can't seem to
work out, it's time to pick up
your Sherlock Holmes hat and
cloak. Find out which people and
resources can help.
3) It is
what it is. As
author Jon Kabat-Zinn says,
"When people say 'Let it go,'
what they really mean is 'Get
over it,' and that's not a
helpful thing to say. It's not a
matter of letting go - you would
if you could. Instead of 'Let it
go,' we should probably say,
'Let it be'; this recognizes
that the mind won't let go and
the problem may not go away, and
it allows you to form a
healthier relationship with
what's bothering you."
4) I'm
going out with my girlfriends.
Don't be afraid to keep doing
the things you love. Just
because you're in a relationship
with a guy who has kids doesn't
mean that you should give up
everything that makes you feel
like you. Balance your family
time with moments spent with
your friends, your parents and
siblings or all by yourself.
5) I love
you. When
partners are confident in their
relationship, they can weather
so much more than when there is
doubt. Tell your partner you
love him so he doesn't have to
guess. Ask him to do the same
for you.
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Become Empowered to
Create
The Relationship You Most
Desire
No one is born knowing how to have a
relationship. In this day and age, with
so many relationship options and little
direction about what makes a good
partnership, couples often work at cross
purposes. They find that their
relationship feels good only some of the
time and they don't know why it goes
sour or feels unfulfilling. Big
Picture Partnering: 16 weeks to a
rock-solid relationship teaches
couples how to become empowered to make
skillful choices that will help them
create the kind of relationship they
desire now and in the future. It's
helpful for couples in trouble or
couples wishing to take their
relationship to the next level.
or sign up for the January
workshop and receive your book for
FREE!
Praise for Big Picture
Partnering:
16 weeks to a
rock-solid relationship
"Dr Jan generously distills her
considerable expertise into a
16-week pathway to relationship
success, empowering couples with
valuable tools that will save them
hundreds in therapy bills and years
of frustration." - Patty Howell and
Ralph Jones, the authors of
World Class Marriage.
"It's difficult to find a simple,
readable book that presents such a
magnificent job of untangling the
complexities of relationships - but
Big Picture Partnering does it! A
fantastic book to guide you to the
relationship you long for." -
Patricia Love, ED.D, author of
How To Improve Your Marriage
Without Talking About It,
The Truth About Love
and Hot
Monogamy.
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Ask Dr. Jan
I started
reading your book and I'm
very excited. My
 cousin
and her husband highly
recommended it for my fiance
and I to read before we get
married. My problem is that
while my fiance wants to
better our relationship, he
isn't interested in reading
anything other than books
for his work. He'd prefer an
audio book. How can I get
him to read the book with
me? Thanks, Nicole from
Toronto
Congratulations on your upcoming
marriage and having the foresight to
learn how to partner before you embrak
on this lifelong adventure! Tell your
fiance that I too look forward to the
time that Big Picture
Partnering is available in
an audio or DVD format. Until that time,
many couples enjoy having one person
read to the other. Then they take time
to do the exercises individually
and come back together to talk
about their responses a few days later.
For
short chapters, one sitting is
sufficient. Longer chapters may take a
few sittings. The focus is to enjoy
spending time together sharing your
thoughts, dreams and desires. While an
audio in the car might be an efficient
way to hear the material, your reading
to your fiance would be a great way to
partner. Try it and let me know how it
goes. Dr. Jan
Thanks so much for taking the time
to get back to me. I'm really
enjoying the read. It's funny you
should mention reading to my fiance.
We were out driving and passed a
Barnes and Noble and he asked me if
I wanted to go in to get another
copy of the book! I said that I
thought he wasn't interested in
reading but I'd be happy if we got
him his own copy. Looks like he is
really curious about reading the
book for himself now! I also like
your idea of reading to him if he
doesn't read it himself and then we
can discuss. Cheers, Nicole
Terrific! Here's wishing you
wonderful wedding and happy
life filled with partnering!
If you have a
question Email them to:
janhoistad@drjanhoistad.com
with the subject header
"Newsletter Question." I'll
include as many as I can in the
coming months. I look forward to
hearing from you!
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